Solving Colorado's biggest problems with plausible parody.
Join me on a quest to make our policies smarter and funnier, one fairway at a time.
Seriously?
There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. He campaigns like a rock star, working always on the theory that one really big crowd is better than forty small ones. Platitudes are safe, because they're easy to wink at, but truth is something else again. Satire becomes impossible when reality is too twisted.- Hunter S. Thompson
Mandatory Snow Days
Snow days for parents.
Why should kids have all the fun? And, who's gonna make the hot chocolate?
The Mulligan Act
Fairways for the people.
Like in golf, everyone deserves a do-over. Taxes, parking violations, H1B applications? Just tee it up again.
Environmental Policy
Eliminating pesticides and saving prairie dogs.
Picture it: robots cruising field, zapping leafy spurge, spotted knapweed, and yellow toadflax. No chemicals, no runoff, no priarie dog casulaties.
THE DOLLAR BILL
Braille on currency.
"It’s a tremendous plan. People are calling it the greatest plan since the back nine at Mar-a-Lago. Everyone loves it. Even Jerome Powell loves it. A lot of people don’t know this, but all my wives have been blind.”
-DJT
EDUCATION REFORM
Quantum leaps for future generations
Can your school teach someone to fold a fitted sheet AND edit genes? Didn’t think so.
PUBLIC SAFETY
Drone patrols, not HOA Nancys
"Mulligan Patrol handles porch pirates, HOA nonsense, golf ball trespassin’. But if somebody rollin’ dirty with a duffel bag full of meth, them drones light ‘em up like Augusta in April and call the big guns.”
traffic, pollution, homelessness
Ending pollution, traffic jams, and sheltering the unhoused
Autonomous and always-charged micro-vehicles shrinking traffic and eliminating pollution? Repurposed parking garages as homeless shelters? Can Lauren Boebert and the Denver Asphalt Preservation League thwart a breath of fresh air?
healthcare
Hospital Rating & Slope
“Par tells you how hard it should be. Rating tells you what a scratch patient (someone with time, money, and a law degree) can expect. Slope tells you how much harder it gets if you’re just a normal human.”
Must Reads
Denver Post coverage, campaign rallies, and strategic planning sessions at an abandoned driving range, Mr. Chop, Coach Prime, and a surfer dude shape Colorado's future with tech and tomfoolery.
Strategic Planning
Secret War Room Sessions
At an abandoned driving range somewhere between Castle Rock and plausible deniability, our heroes strategerize innovative policies that challenge conventional political "wisdom."
campaign rallies
FairWay Justice!
Challenging the kakistocracy with better soundtracks and bold ideas that are dangerously close to making sense.
denver post coverage
Leader In The Clubhouse
You can't fix Denver traffic with a driver...But maybe with a caddie. Satirical, conceivable humor dressed and pressed for advocateers.
From The Valut
Tales From The Trail
“I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's election night.”
- Anonymous
Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
The tales herein are a compilation of Fantasy Football stories that have nothing to do with Fantasy Football and may or may not have happened to real or unreal people.
Bumper Stickers
$15.00
Mr. Chop 2026
Shrink Traffic. Shrink Pollution.
All profits go to First Tee Colorado
Golf Caps
$29.00
Mr. Chop 2026
Fairway Justice
All profits go to Alcoholics Anonymous
Meet The Co-Conspirators
You know who they are, but the names are changed to something legally indistinguishable since they don't want phone calls...
coach
Prime Adjacent
Hermès Himalaya Birkin colostomy bag by his side, the highly quotable celebrity be talkin' fairness - "whether you’re sortin’ bills, swingin’ a nine iron or rollin’ up in a chair, gettin’ a fair shot at the GREEN, your GREEN. That’s PRIME policy, baby.”
campaign manager
Surfer Girl Dude
From the best band you've never heard of, the trusted sidekick and campaign manager rallies the crowds, slays the slogans, and manages the mirth.
And you thought the UK's Monster Raving Loony Party was absurd
Before you cast your ballot for Colorado's next governor, consider Mr. Chop. If you've already voted, take a mulligan.
$150K
Donations by people who probably should know better.
750+
Quotable jabs at The Charm Offensive saboteurs of Colorful Colorado.
97%
Of voters who actually vote know better.
Grip. Rip. Reform.
"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."
-Mark Twain